I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. I have a friend whose husband is like this. What should I do? They are content with the status quo. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. definitely not enough information here. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. Agreed. Thats totally a lot. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Does that make sense? And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. True enough, Flake. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. All rights reserved. A movie? Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. ReginaRey Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl I can use a personal example as well. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Some things you may never known until you move in together. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll Have you explained that to him? CottonTheCuteDog i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. Oh yeah I forgot about that. lets_be_honest Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. Who keeps the dog? Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. It doesnt scream big problem to me. Then you may just be spending too much time together. You cant. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. ReginaRey Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. how do we divide furniture? January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. I can see it both ways. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. Geocaching!!!! lemongrass lets_be_honest Or stay the whole time? a lot of people just arent that way. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! A lot of family time. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). And if they live together. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. And I think this is the case here. However, my husband isnt like that at all. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. Pay careful attention to his reaction. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. Its just simple, smart, communication! LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. demoiselle Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. I think I need more info. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. By the time Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? GatorGirl I have friends who are engaged and live together. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). silver_dragon_girl you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. Which is totally fine for you. Hes going to choose you. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? lets_be_honest The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. I give up. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. LW real advice. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Thats on you. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. On the weekends he spends at The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Yes, this. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. "I Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Its over the top. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Starting over! Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Haha. Maybe something is up with his family? I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. when it comes up we just talk about it. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. This is typically how this dynamic functions. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. Youve lived together for three weeks. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. GatorGirl I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? Ditto to the making plans paragraph. SpaceySteph January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. Play frisbee in the park! I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? As your history with him has shown, he likes spending . He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. I cant imagine that life! January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. So why are you still with him? Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. That an entire day together isnt enough? I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address.
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